on body image.

“Each individual woman’s body demands to be accepted on its own terms.” – Gloria Steinem

I want to preface this post by saying that I’m not writing this for attention, nor am I hoping to elicit responses such as, “but Vanessa you look good.” I’m writing this because it is my hope that it’s relatable to some of my readers, or at least opens up the eyes of some people to the dangerous body obsessed culture we live in, as well as the realities of postpartum life.

As many of you are aware, I have lived a pretty active lifestyle. For four years I dedicated my exercise routine to powerlifting, and even shared my passion with my students. While powerlifting gave me great physical strength, it also made me become more critical of my body. Since I lost a lot of weight four years ago, I have become hypersensitive to every little change and every pound lost or gained. On social media I would project myself as this confident fashionista, but inside I was being incredibly critical and unkind to myself. This has been a huge struggle of mine for many years. I hate to admit it, but I care too much about what I look like, and how (I think) others think I look. Because of this, I knew that pregnancy was going to be a challenge.

As I’ve written in past posts, I kept pretty active throughout my pregnancy. The third trimester was the toughest. At about 33 weeks onward, it was very difficult for me to go on walks due to the pressure on my cervix. Even though I couldn’t take long walks around my neighborhood, I still did prenatal workouts in the comfort of my home. This, in of combination of comments such as,  “you’re all belly”, led me to believe that after the baby was born my body would just snap back to what it was before. Even my OB would tell me that my stomach was going to be flat quickly after birth. For me, these types of comments would be just as unhelpful as when people told me I looked like I was carrying twins. Even throughout my pregnancy, I never weighed myself, and I always told the OB not to tell me how much weight I gained. It was better for my mental health not to know.

When I came home after Velouria was born, I cried when I looked into the mirror for the first time. I was incredibly swollen and my belly looked like a deflated beach ball. I had to wait two weeks before the swelling came down, but honestly, to my naive surprise, my belly just wasn’t shrinking as fast as I thought it would. I found myself looking at hashtags of different weeks postpartum to see what other women looked like. I was falling into the trap of comparing myself to others. On top of that, my body was in so much pain for almost four weeks after having Velouria. Due to the episiotomy, I had trouble walking, bending, and moving. My stitches even opened up after two weeks and the pain was excruciating. I had no idea that postpartum life would be this tough, and I’m not even talking about raising a newborn. I even purchased a waist binder to help with my healing, but I couldn’t fit it on until two weeks postpartum. After that, I struggled to wear it every single day for several hours because it was so uncomfortable. I also became concerned with my loose belly skin. It was not what I pictured my body to be after having the baby.

At my 6 weeks postpartum appointment, my OB cleared me for exercise. I was more than happy to get back into it, but it took a long time. For months I couldn’t do anything high intensity or with too much resistance because it hurt my pelvic floor too much, and I also suffered from tennis elbow. I was proactive and started seeing a physiotherapist to help with my pelvic health as soon as I could. My physiotherapist diagnosed me with a four-finger width ab separation. This is what was creating the bulge in my belly and caved in belly button. I was given several exercises to do everyday in order to lessen the gap, and so far, it has gone down to a one finger width separation. After speaking with a couple people and reading online, I learned that this entire process will be very long and slow. If anyone knows me, you know that I never give up; it just feels so frustrating when I see that other women just snap back so fast after having their baby while I have to work 10 times harder. Once again, I know I shouldn’t compare myself to others, but I can’t help but do so. This is something I really need to work on.

I have since done an Instagram cleanse. I unfollowed any account that made me compare myself or contained content about about dieting. Posts like “diet starts tomorrow” reinforce the idea that our body must look a particular way to meet society’s standards. It is more important for me to focus on what my body can do instead of what it looks like. I need to constantly remind myself of a TED talk I once watched, where the message was about how it’s not about bouncing back, but moving forward.

Some may read this and think I am totally vain caring so much about my body. Maybe I am. Regardless, it’s been hard. “Give yourself grace”, “give yourself time” – these are the things I am told. It’s cliche, but it’s true. I so badly want to have someone wave a magic wand to make me feel confident in my body. That’s never going to happen, so I do need to be kinder to myself. I keep saying to myself how I want my pre-pregnancy body back, but the reality is that I hated my body then too.

I hope that this is relatable to some readers. If it is, I want you to know that you are not alone. We shouldn’t care what other people think we look like, especially after giving birth. If people are going to judge me by the way I look, then those people aren’t friends. Our society cares too much about outward appearance and it has negatively affected the way I live my life. Diet culture is toxic, and it has led me to have body dysmorphic disorder. I want this to change not just for me, but for every woman who feels that there are unrealistic are harmful expectations placed upon them. I want to not just accept what I look like and who I am, but to celebrate and love me for me. I know it won’t be easy, but letting this out in the open is the right step forward. I have a daughter now, and I would never want her to feel as I have. Instead, I will teach Velouria that the value of a person is not determined by how they look, but that true beauty comes from within.